Since my sister's death a couple of weeks ago, and the impending birth of our daughter's fourth child (our fourth grandchild), I feel like I'm in the middle of a teeter-totter, trying to keep my balance.
Of course, my sis's death is what keeps one end down with heaviness of heart where I don't mind lingering awhile as I process and learn to accept the circumstances of her death. Yet, I must climb up from the sadness to the anticipation and bittersweet joy that will come with the birth of a healthy granddaughter.
There is that place which, if I can manage it, I will learn to balance between those two apposing aspects of my existence. Only through God's grace and His mercy have I been able to begin celebrating my sister's life and death. Her death came suddenly yet mercifully before she became progressively debilitated by MS. Yes, for the past year she was in remission and happier, less burdened, and more at peace than she had been in a long while. I have precious memories of the last couple of times we were together. Having seen her contentment makes the burden of sorrow lighter.
I'm almost certain that my sis has already met our granddaughter, which gives me peace. I pause to think about how close to each other are life and death. Out with my older sister, in with our infant baby girl, both passing through the Light. It's exciting to think they've met along the way. Heaven is as close to me now as any other time in my life.
"And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain for the former things have passed away." Rev. 21:4
Monday, March 28, 2011
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Yesterday is gone, and yet it seems as if time is standing still. The day started and went about as usual. But when evening came, it's a completely other story.
Last week Tuesday our pregnant daughter went to the hospital thinking it might be time for her to deliver their baby. This would make it about a month early. She doesn't feel contractions, doesn't know she's having one unless she's on a monitor that shows she having a contraction.
It's kind of scary, really, when you stop and think about it. All at once she would feel a need to push and have the baby wherever she happened to be. I know that's part of the reason she went to doctor prematurely.
Since she had been to the doctor Tuesday she was thinking about cancelling her regular Thursday appointment. But when it came down to the wire, she decided to keep the appointment since she still felt like she could be having contractions. The doctor kept sending her home. Said she was only 1 cm. dilated.
Tuesday evening (yesterday) I went to a class I'm attending at our church every week for twelve weeks. It sounds so neat in that by taking the class we will learn to go through some of our past pain and return to joy we were born to nourish.
My hubby came and interrupted me...said our daughter was at the hospital and we needed to get the kids and bring them to our house. I wasn't very surprised because of the way she's been "nesting" and packing the kid's bags and hers, and her apprehensions of last week.
This time she's dilated to 3 cm. Now that doesn't seem like much, I suppose, but once her babies decide to come 3 cm. can dilate from 4 cm. to 9 in just a few short hours. So I'm praying for her and her hubby who is with her.
We got the 3 little ones home to our house, just across town, brought in blankets, stuffed toys, bags mommy had packed and tried to get them settled in quickly. I was helping them start a video to watch when my husband started listening to the answering machine.
I just heard a couple of words that I'm sure drained the blood from my face, something about someone passing away, and in that split second, I thought it might be my older sister who just had a lumpectomy for cancer. She lives near Kansas City.
But I was wrong, it was my sister who lives just 30 miles from us, and who I had just talked to recently. They're placing her time of death sometime Friday or Saturday.
This is such a blow--to get the call from her daughter in Las Vegas. She became concerned when she couldn't reach her mom by phone or email. My sister was actually doing quite well, even though she had MS. Both her daughter and me nagged at her about wearing a call button because she admitted she was fearful of falling in her home because of MS and dying alone.
I'm just numb. All these things happening at once. And hubby seems to be coming down with a cold. His colds are not the usual 1 week, 7 days, because it can get complicated with his allergies and asthma.
I keep telling myself: The Lord will not give me more than I can handle...He will not give me more than I can handle. So, why then, does everything seem to happen at once?? I will trust in Him to get us through the next few days.
Now I must attend to my littlest granddaughter (so far) who is coughing. I'm not always so good at handling the needs of other because of my disabilities. He'll not give me more than I can handle...amen & Amen. This too shall pass.