Living With Challenges

Maybe I've mentioned this before, but if not, here it is:  I'm going to quit going to doctors, well maybe I'll go to one if I have to.

Every time I go to a doctor I am subjected to another test or two which results in another diagnosis or two.  My mother-in-law attributed her health and long life (103 yrs.) to the fact that she stayed away from doctors.  She may have been right!

Now, I say, if I had a preference I would not choose Celiac Disease, which makes me change my diet--no gluten allowed.  I must avoid all wheat, barley, and rye products.  But there it is, and it's best I claim it before I suffer the worst consequences, which is a long list of illnesses I don't want, and including some of the things I already have that could get worse.  Honestly, I was almost sure I didn't have Celiac as I have few of the symptoms.

When I was in my twenties I was diagnosed with Grave's Disease, an autoimmune thyroid disorder, which caused me to keep losing weight until I was down to 98 pounds.  (You would not believe it now!)  I chose RAI (radioactive iodine) treatment instead of surgery.  Sometimes I wonder if that was a good decision.  With hardly nothing left of my thyroid gland, I'm totally dependent on the correct dose of prescription thyroid hormone replacement.

Some doctors consider symptoms of low thyroid, others depend solely on the TSH test which shows how much thyroid hormone is circulating in my body.  It's only after I've gained an extra 10-15 pounds and feel a real lack of energy (an honest couch potato), that the endocrinologist will finally increase the thyroid hormone replacement.  Sometimes the pounds will start going back down, but often I have to starve myself a little to get it going.

It's a real roller coaster ride!  Up, down, up, down.  Am I having fun yet?  Not!

So here I sit, a real conglomeration of autoimmune disorders: thyroid disorder, fibromyalgia (which I think is the result of a malfunctioning thyroid), diabetes II, peripheral neuropathy (the painful, rather than the numbing, kind--not caused by my diabetes II, but by autoimmune something), a striated muscle antibody, which could be another autoimmune disorder, or when added to other symptoms could be Myasthenia Gravis--what Onassis had--or a marker for cancer. Most recent discoveries are GERD (yep they found that too), and Celiac.

At least I can be thankful for one or several things.  Most of these autoimmune symptoms are mild enough that it's been several years since I've had a full-blown -- darn, what's the word I'm looking for here? -- Anyway, my ANA, when last taken, was almost normal compared to a high 1-1280 ten years ago, which probably means nothing to some people.

I spend a lot of time trying to keep track of what I can or can't eat, taking my blood sugar;  and trying to keep myself from giving in to depression.  I keep telling myself, I can do this, I'll be okay, God is in control...but when can I get to a "normal" place in my life?

Thank God for the health of the rest of my family, and that I can still enjoy our grandkids, and our daughter and son.  Yes, thank God for all the health I do have left.

I sometimes read the obituaries of many who have died that are younger than me.  I check to see if my name is there, and once I know it's not, I count my blessings and keep going.

"But let me reveal to you a wonderful secret.  We will not all die, but we will be transformed!  It will happen in a moment, in the blink of an eye, when the last trumpet is blown.  For when the trumpet sounds, those who have died will be raised to live forever.  And we who are living will also be transformed."  I Corinthians 15:51-52

Blah--What? Two posts in one day?

Did you ever go to the doctor feeling fine and come out feeling horrible?  Last Thursday I had a stomach endoscopy by a really nice doctor.  Well, I thought he was nice.  I had virtually no symptoms, now I've got 'em for gastritis and GERD! Then I added insult to injury by looking on the internet for information.  Now I really feel bad!  Actually, I'm feeling as good as can be expected.  Honestly I thought I was too laid back to have these stress-related disorders.

Apparently, I need to do some in-depth examination to see what I'm not doing right and what the heck I'm doing wrong to bring on this bad stuff.  But, wasn't it in-depth stuff that got me here in the first place?

How about an appeal for deliverance, "Therefore my spirit is overwhelmed within me;  my heart within me is distressed?" Psalm 143:4; and then in Psalm 131:1, "Lord, my heart is not haughty, nor my eyes lofty.  Neither do I concern myself with great matters, nor with the things too profound for me."

If I must not concern myself with great matters nor with things too profound for me--although if it applies to you that's fine too...Having read and said that:  I need to make a commitment to stop watching TV, reading too many books, writing too many books (obviously even one would be too much, since I haven't written any:  Ecc. 12:12), trying to figure out economics and politics, trying to figure out the mind of a woman...Oh, oops, that would bring me right back to me when I'm not s'posed to concern myself with anything profound~~Ohhh, I'm getting dizzy.

There you have it.  Already, I'm weary of having just said as much or as little as possible without getting into some kind of philosophy or theology of what it means to be alive or a woman.  So, do I or do I not concern myself?

"Surely I have calmed and quieted my soul, like a weaned child with his/her mother;  like a weaned child is my soul within me."  Ps. 131:2.   If  only...

If only I would simplify my life by getting rid of stuff (mostly books) and the idea that I need to be concerned with things too lofty for me, and do my duties as a woman without thought or complaint, not only my life, but the lives of those around me would be simpler, right?

If only I could get a grip.  I'm 65, feeble and frail, synonym intended, and still haven't got figured out why I'm here.  Or, I've been in rebellion for almost a hundred years.  If only someone would tell me why I'm still around, although I've been tugged in several different directions--too bad I've only got 2 hands and 2 feet.

While I'm entertaining the "if onlies" I've gotta get away from this perplexing situation and indulge in some of that everyday busy-ness of making meals, doing laundry, washing dishes, cleaning up after myself, my man, and a couple of useless house cats.  Altho' the cats are a nice soft landing for banging my head when I have a day like today.  Poor kitties.  Innocent animals often have the big job of being sympathizers to ruthless humans.

A Terrible Sadness

In reference to my appointment with the cardiologist yesterday: the cardio said there's nothing to be too concerned about. I have mitral valve insufficiency which wasn't anything new. I have a thickening of the duct between the lobes which is probably a congenital thing. They'll keep an eye on it, but at this time no treatment or surgery is necessry. Jan. 20th I'll have a stress test and then wear a heart monitor for several weeks.

My health problems have paled compared to what happened in our family this afternoon. My 38 yr. old nephew collapsed and died at work today--a possible aneuryism. A terrible shock. My brother, his father, died in January, 1991 from cancer. It's, of course, going to be really difficult for my sister-in-law, and my nephew's sister and brother and their families. Plus, he left his 11 or 12 yr. old daughter, and his ex-wife, who was still his friend. I know you will pray, and I am so thankful for all who will.

"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort; who comforts us in all our affliction..."
2 Cor. 1:3

Skid Marks! No, no....

This isn't the way the holidays are s'posed to be. No, I didn't slide on the snow or ice (at least not yet) and leave skid marks in the street. Rather, I left skid marks in my brain and now I'm going to leave them on this blog where everyone can see them. Or, maybe I shouldn't. But what have I got to lose, huh?

The skid marks go all the long way from Monday, the 15th (my last post) to yesterday, the 17th. Monday, you'll notice how philosophical I was about how I'd adjusted to having a reduced kind of Christmas holiday due to health issues like chronic neuropathy pain, FMS, and diabetes (no meds yet but I'm still trying to be happy about the diet). I might have been a little bit smug about it, if I remember right--not going to re-read it again!

So, in comes Wednesday. I had an about-face which explains the skid marks. I thought I'd outgrown the holiday drudges. Okay, let's name it for what it is: depression. I'm trying not to say it too loudly in case I scare someone off, mainly me. Depression is something I don't like to admit or talk about, nor do most people like to hear about it. But it's a reality I, and many others, live with from time to time.

How I got from a moderate Monday to a low-down Wednesday, I'm not sure. Maybe I was careless with my mental hygiene. I thought I'd set my alarm for 8:00 a.m., but didn't see the light of day till 11:00. The goals I could have accomplished in the three hours sleeping! I might have spent too long a night on the 'puter. I have a tendency to do that and then pay for it the next day. That was after having spent an exhausting Monday with my daughter and grandkids. What made it so exhausting was that I took pity on one of the farm kittens that is not meant to live on the farm. I spent about two hours bathing, drying, and cuddling this baby. You have to know me to know what a pushover I am for innocent little things.

The fact that it snowed almost 5 inches on Tuesday and frightened the sun away, which has yet to show it's face since then, may have had something to do with the crash. A week of clouds can send me down to low levels--it's kind of like flying, or sludging, below the clouds, if you get my drift.

Anyway, there I was, physically, mentally, and emotionally drained, but trying to live up to the expectations I had of what I wanted to get done for the holidays. Which is laughable, 'cause it just isn't all that much. But it sure looked like a big old bag of stuff Wednesday, and it seemed like half or all of it needed to get in that one day. Or else...or else, horrors, Christmas just wasn't going to happen.

If no one has ever been there, thank God for it. I went to bed earlier than usual, slept good except when I got up once for the "necessary." That's when it occurred to me: I always, and I mean always, sleep on my right side. Because when I find a good position where the pain is the least I stay there. But this time when I went back to bed I decided perhaps I should try sleeping on my left side for the rest of the night. You know, maybe that would keep all my brain cells from gelling on one side and keeping me from having a one-sided view upon awakening.

I am much better today as you can tell. Of course, I did have to convince myself to get up and stay up when the alarm went off at 9:00. I had to read a couple of David's Psalms (43, 46) and really take them into my heart where they made a difference in my attitude. So maybe Wednesday was all Stuff and Nonesense, but at the time it felt like hell on earth (forgive me, but I don't know how else to put it).

Perhaps added to fatigue was the fear that I would sink down into the deep depression of the past. But, I'm older and wiser now than I was 30 years ago. I have my faith, as I did then--but stronger, past years of counseling, and a whole basketful of stick-to-itiveness to get me through the drudges.

When it comes down to it, the skid marks are a good sign. For one thing I didn't skid off the path and lose my way completely. I used the things I've learned from compassionate others how to turn to the left or right to get going again after I smashed into the brick wall.

Oh, thank God, today I'm enjoying beautiful Christmas music on the radio and CD player. I'm going to finish making the dough I started Tuesday evening and begin baking peppernuts. Tomorrow I'll mix up a batch or two of pumpkin bread to give away and freeze, and address a few Christmas cards to send. I had a bad Wednesday--SO WHAT!--it was only one day instead of several. Sometimes a few skid marks is all we need to realize for what we have to be grateful.

For whatever it's worth, thanks for reading my sad story with a happy ending. The wonder of Christmas isn't what we do, but that God came down to earth at Christmas and His Spirit is always with us. And I'd better not forget it! I pray His Spirit is with you this Holiday Season: Merry Christmas!