~~~~~~~~~ "We are here for only a moment, wanderers and sojourners in the land as our ancestors were before us. Our days on earth are like a passing shadow, gone so soon without a trace." I Chron. 29:15 NLT

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Beginning Again

First, I want to thank my blogging friends who have expressed their heartfelt sympathies, and for your prayers for my sister-in-law and her family the last couple of months.

I don't know where or how to begin again. I don't know if I can call the time I've been absent a season of grief. I've been mostly mentally and emotionally numb. I don't grieve like I used to. What I mean is I don't cry with tears on the outside. I don't know how I feel about this because life just takes over and there's not enough time to think about or process it. I've thought it's because as I get older and closer to my own mortality I have a sense of relief for anyone who goes home to Jesus. Death is a release from the burden of life in this troubled world. At the same time, I can't imagine the pain my sister-in-law, niece and nephew and their families are going through. David was a special person and is missed by all who knew him.

Maybe I'm numb because I'm not as close to them as I've always wanted to be. They've always seemed like a very close-knit family that I didn't want to intrude. But it could be as simple as me realizing that my brother, being the oldest of us five siblings, and me the youngest, were not especially close to one another because of our age difference. Yet, I've always felt like my sister-in-law was more my sister than an in-law. Since I moved 30 miles away about eight years ago, it seems I moved to a different country. So close and yet so far away. I've always been kind of mystified by how moving such a short distance could make such a difference. I don't want to make it more complicated than it is.

Through the years, for as long as I could remember, family was everything to me. Then I started realizing that other family members may not have the same feelings as I did. It's a disappointment I've carried around for a long time. Maybe it's time to let it go. Maybe it's not about me.

Everyone deals with disappointment and pain in different ways. I get up and dust myself off and start doing something I've wanted to do for a long time but didn't feel motivated to do.

I'm doing some deep housecleaning that I haven't felt like doing since we moved to this house eight years ago. It gives me a great deal of satisfaction to finally get started. It's going to take me awhile because decluttering and organizing have been neglected and I'm kind of mortified by the whole mess.

It's good to be blogging again. Blessings everyone.


Donna's Book Nook said...

It's good to have you back! i will continue to pray for you and for your sister-in-law and their family.
I finally got motivated to some deep cleaning, but I have so much more to go!! It's overwhelming.

Betty said...

Glad to see you back here. I think I know a little of what you are going through. I made the same "discovery´s" with my sister in law, about "being friends". I always thought we were friends, but after a while when you finally realize it´s only coming from your side....you give up. It´s really too bad, because we live very close by and I still like her very much, but we only visit at family gatherings. That´s about 3 times a year. I guess it is best to let go, like you wrote. You can´t force anything and once you have no more expectations you will be happier!

Homeopath said...

Just found your blog...... Interesting.....I’ll be back to read more.

Dee said...

HI, I have always heard cleaning is next to Godliness, but i think it is more on the emotional level. Whatever ~ it is good for the spirit. I agree with Betty about not having expectations. As i get older it seems more and more of family fade away for one reason or another. Not a conflict problem- they just fade away into their own lives and i into mine.I have Missed your posts and glad to have your back. Dee

Letters From Midlife said...

I'm happy to see you back too. I kept checking your blog just in case I missed a post.

I'm so sorry for your loss and hope blogging again will help you as you write about what you're feeling.