I can't put a finger on it. Could be the after-Christmas doldrums? I weathered that pretty well, or so I thought. Maybe it's the January blues, unseasonably warm weather, but I usually like the sunshine and warm temps we've been having.
Or, maybe it's a sense of purposelessness I can't get a handle on. I'm unfruitful except for the time I spend with the grandchildren, but which I feel less than capable to spend time with. I look at others filling their days with apparently purposeful work, etc. but what looks like a treadmill to me.
I'm really disorganized. I start a project in one room and go to another room for something forgetting what it was I wanted on the way, only to return to that original project a couple hours later and think, "oh, yeah, this is what I was doing." I guess I'm making sense here.
"It" could be that in spite of the warm weather I'm always cold, and that would be my thyroid which has been out of whack, my TSH being on the high side which means I'm not getting enough supplements to make up for my next-to-nothing-gland. You think you're confused? Usually, this is how I feel, like now, that something very important is missing from my life. That life is bland; I'm spark-less.
My endocrinologist is finally on my side. Months ago he told me my TSH test was fine, even though I knew my body was telling me otherwise. Now, that the test finally proved me right, it's going to take several months to get it balanced--reason enough for this melancholy, right?
Perhaps my feelings are finally catching up with the fact that it was a pretty rough year in 2011, and I'm afraid this one could be really good or it could be even worse...talk about borrowing trouble! One of the difficulties is not knowing if I'm feeling down because I'm physically challenged or mentally out of sync with my faith. I need to remind myself like I remind others, "This too shall pass." Is it possible to give God the glory when I'm feeling this awful? What about this gives Him glory?
I need to go read Debra's, As I See It Now, blog about doing what I need to do to take care of myself and follow those good habits that I've let fall by the way, and I'm finally paying for it physically and mentally. Also, her 1/09/12 post about insecurities. Thanks, Debra, for those reminders.
One thing I do know is that if you love praying for troubled people like me, please pray for me now. I really, really, need it! We're getting guests tomorrow evening and I have to un-decorate the tree, clean up the kitchen and bathroom and get a good night's sleep. But don't just feel sorry for my guests, put a little sympathy in there for me too. I would be most grateful.