~~~~~~~~~ "We are here for only a moment, wanderers and sojourners in the land as our ancestors were before us. Our days on earth are like a passing shadow, gone so soon without a trace." I Chron. 29:15 NLT

Thursday, September 18, 2008

How hard can change be?

On August 17, 2008 I wrote: I've got to get my life together! Is the neuropathy and the pain a big enough excuse for staying up late (can't sleep because of pain) and sleeping in late (don't want to get up 'cause the pain starts over again) which gives me a hopeless feeling about getting anything done the rest of day? Is it the pain that really makes me do that? Or just plain old Laziness? An inability to deny my selfishness? Making myself an exception so I don't have to do what I know would be better life choices than what I'm doing now? I can't do it on my own--I need God's help, that's for sure. So why can't I just surrender? Perhaps I need to be kinder to myself, give myself some slack?

Daily, I tell myself, "I can't live like this anymore." Maybe I need to volunteer some of my time to something more satisfactory than just the church library. Or I need to spend more time and effort at helping make it a more attractive library--use some of the silk ivy leftover from Amy's wedding to add some green to the place, find a way to display new books more prominently.

I'm so diffferent than I was when I was a fulltime mother and a parttime librarian. Those roles disciplined me, and now I have little discipline. I feel like I don't have much to wake up for in the morning--what could I do today that I didn't do yesterday? What's important enough to me to make me get out of bed in the morning? I have to figure that out or changing what I do will be just another drudgery like the diabetic diet. That's another story!

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