This isn't the way the holidays are s'posed to be. No, I didn't slide on the snow or ice (at least not yet) and leave skid marks in the street. Rather, I left skid marks in my brain and now I'm going to leave them on this blog where everyone can see them. Or, maybe I shouldn't. But what have I got to lose, huh?
The skid marks go all the long way from Monday, the 15th (my last post) to yesterday, the 17th. Monday, you'll notice how philosophical I was about how I'd adjusted to having a reduced kind of Christmas holiday due to health issues like chronic neuropathy pain, FMS, and diabetes (no meds yet but I'm still trying to be happy about the diet). I might have been a little bit smug about it, if I remember right--not going to re-read it again!
So, in comes Wednesday. I had an about-face which explains the skid marks. I thought I'd outgrown the holiday drudges. Okay, let's name it for what it is: depression. I'm trying not to say it too loudly in case I scare someone off, mainly me. Depression is something I don't like to admit or talk about, nor do most people like to hear about it. But it's a reality I, and many others, live with from time to time.
How I got from a moderate Monday to a low-down Wednesday, I'm not sure. Maybe I was careless with my mental hygiene. I thought I'd set my alarm for 8:00 a.m., but didn't see the light of day till 11:00. The goals I could have accomplished in the three hours sleeping! I might have spent too long a night on the 'puter. I have a tendency to do that and then pay for it the next day. That was after having spent an exhausting Monday with my daughter and grandkids. What made it so exhausting was that I took pity on one of the farm kittens that is not meant to live on the farm. I spent about two hours bathing, drying, and cuddling this baby. You have to know me to know what a pushover I am for innocent little things.
The fact that it snowed almost 5 inches on Tuesday and frightened the sun away, which has yet to show it's face since then, may have had something to do with the crash. A week of clouds can send me down to low levels--it's kind of like flying, or sludging, below the clouds, if you get my drift.
Anyway, there I was, physically, mentally, and emotionally drained, but trying to live up to the expectations I had of what I wanted to get done for the holidays. Which is laughable, 'cause it just isn't all that much. But it sure looked like a big old bag of stuff Wednesday, and it seemed like half or all of it needed to get in that one day. Or else...or else, horrors, Christmas just wasn't going to happen.
If no one has ever been there, thank God for it. I went to bed earlier than usual, slept good except when I got up once for the "necessary." That's when it occurred to me: I always, and I mean always, sleep on my right side. Because when I find a good position where the pain is the least I stay there. But this time when I went back to bed I decided perhaps I should try sleeping on my left side for the rest of the night. You know, maybe that would keep all my brain cells from gelling on one side and keeping me from having a one-sided view upon awakening.
I am much better today as you can tell. Of course, I did have to convince myself to get up and stay up when the alarm went off at 9:00. I had to read a couple of David's Psalms (43, 46) and really take them into my heart where they made a difference in my attitude. So maybe Wednesday was all Stuff and Nonesense, but at the time it felt like hell on earth (forgive me, but I don't know how else to put it).
Perhaps added to fatigue was the fear that I would sink down into the deep depression of the past. But, I'm older and wiser now than I was 30 years ago. I have my faith, as I did then--but stronger, past years of counseling, and a whole basketful of stick-to-itiveness to get me through the drudges.
When it comes down to it, the skid marks are a good sign. For one thing I didn't skid off the path and lose my way completely. I used the things I've learned from compassionate others how to turn to the left or right to get going again after I smashed into the brick wall.
Oh, thank God, today I'm enjoying beautiful Christmas music on the radio and CD player. I'm going to finish making the dough I started Tuesday evening and begin baking peppernuts. Tomorrow I'll mix up a batch or two of pumpkin bread to give away and freeze, and address a few Christmas cards to send. I had a bad Wednesday--SO WHAT!--it was only one day instead of several. Sometimes a few skid marks is all we need to realize for what we have to be grateful.
For whatever it's worth, thanks for reading my sad story with a happy ending. The wonder of Christmas isn't what we do, but that God came down to earth at Christmas and His Spirit is always with us. And I'd better not forget it! I pray His Spirit is with you this Holiday Season: Merry Christmas!